The Lunch Boys

Apparently I went on a rant at lunch, being Debbie Downer. At the end of lunch, Bob stated, "Perhaps I can drop a book by your desk this afternoon. It's called "The Power of Positive Thinking". What, who says I'm negative? I acknowledge that I love drama and hate perfection. I need something to complain about or I'm not living. Why is that considered negative? Here's what I'll say from now on:

1. What a beautiful day to be alive! Life is so much better when you are out of rehab!
2. Look at the beautiful sun! So what that Pluto's been downgraded and it's no longer a planet? Who cares?
3. Those flowers are stunning! Ignore that they are full of mosquitoes who can give you diseases! The helicopters full of DDT are spraying now.
4. It's no problem that a big scary truck just spilled sewage all over Route 28. I have no where to go! Sitting in traffic for 3 hours smelling fumes is nothing compared to being awoken by "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" at 5:30 a.m. in July in China. It's all good!
5. If I get chosen for "Survivor", at least I know I am on the white team!

My Chi is Elusive

I went to acupuncture for the first time tonight to deal with my perimenopausal issues.

Top Ten Things My Acupunturist Said:

1. (Looking at my tongue): How interesting! (I just had a cough drop. That explains the unusual color. I am not a kimono dragon.)
1. Your chi is elusive. (I've often been told this).
2. Would you say when you get emotional you cry a lot or get angry? (What the hell do you think, hippie-man?)
3. After you left your home town, what was the trajectory of your life? (I hope up!)
4. You have the skin and feet of an artist (Picasso had my feet? Yuck)
5. When I go to lunch, people often comment that I smell like pot, but it's actually the herb I light on fire on your back ("I thought the waiting room smelled like "Fast Times at Ridgemont High")
6. I think your brain is going all the time and can't shut off (I'm aware I have ADD, Dr. Freud)
7. So if there's a lot of men where you work, you must be doing a lot of dating (Mother Theresa got more action)
8. Were you planning on doing any drinking tonight? (It's Friday - is Nathan Lane gay?)
9. Women are actually quite lucky because menstruation gets rid of all their bad blood (I feel the ecstasy once a month)
10. Anxiety is probably your biggest problem (what gave it away? the twitching eyeball?)

Saturday Thoughts at the Museum

1. "Snakes on a Plane" is killing at the box office. I need to start working on my script: "Raccoons in the Bathroom". Holding a shovel up to cover the hole in the ceiling so the raccoon would not jump on my head was scarier than anything I could see in that movie.

2. Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson broke-up: shocker! Why don't these women realize that if your husband is a rock star and goes on the road, they are going to try to reproduce faster than the smallpox virus?

3. I'm at the info desk at the Museum, and a woman just asked me for a restaurant recommendation on Newbury Street. Davio's would implode if I walked in there with fake accessories head to toe. I can only afford a small cone at J.P. Licks.

4. Note to self: if they make you pack your meds in your suitcase, do not get on the plane. I could so be that woman who was tied up by the other passengers. I won't even ask for a second Diet Coke next time I fly.

5. As a fat woman myself, who do we feel the need to expose our guts? I like to wear more fabric than Mrs. Roper. I only wear a belt if I have to hide money from muggers.

6. Three guys are standing in front of my desk saying, "Let's cable this". This can't be good.

7. A guy dressed like Truman Capote who screamed "Eurotrash" asked me who he could speak to to get into the Museum Administrators party tonight. And I'm eating foie gras at the front desk. I am a freaking volunteer and I'm lucky if the security guards talk to me. I might be able to hand out "Hello my name is" badges and that's about it.