- Will Haley Joel Osment’s AA sponsor be Mel Gibson?
- Elisabeth Hasselbeck of “The View” – she went to Boston College? I don’t suppose she got the memo you are supposed to have a few drinks while you are there. Nazis have less extreme viewpoints. My mother will announce her engagement to John Kerry before Hasselbeck’s contract gets renewed. They will replace her with that liberal, Pat Buchanan.
- Missing: my brother and Suri Cruise. Do you think they are together in a cabin somewhere?
- Weekend debaucle: Sox lose to Yankees five games to zip. Perhaps Luis Tiant is still available to pitch.
- Dick Cheney thinks anyone who voted for Ned Lamont in Connecticut was voting for Al Qaeda. Dick, you’re talking about Connecticut. If a terrorist blew up Foxwoods and Mohegan Sun, there’d be a lot of openings in Assisted Living, that’s it. If we can’t shop at the Old Navy Outlet, the terrorists win. Hartford already looks like the terrorists got to it.
- Kate Hudson left Chris Robinson for Owen Wilson? That’s like saying a woman would leave Keith Richards for Jim Nabors. Let’s trade in Grungy for Goober.
- Tom Brady might have used steroids? What’s next – Mother Theresa did time? Are there no more role models?
- Tom Cruise finally gets the boot from Paramount. All the pharmaceutical giants are celebrating. Get back on the meds, everyone!
- Mark David Karr doesn’t like the orange jumpsuit. Since he wanted a sex change, if we made it an orange jacket and skirt, would he feel better? It would be right out of the Issac Misrahi for Target fall collection.
- “Survivor” announced the next show will be raced-based. Imagine a team of Alan Iverson, Al Sharpton and Spike Lee vs. William Hung, Connie Chung and Jet Li, vs. Manny Ramirez, Charo and Fidel Castro, vs. Britney Spears and Kevin Federline and Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson. I’m going with the Asians. They’re good at them darn puzzles. Plus they make a fabulous knock-off handbag.
Oh No, Not the Boss
- The Boss is cheating on Patti Scialfa? Who else is breaking up – Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward? And he is cheating with a 9/11 Widow? Anne Coulter must be dancing a jig. Not only is her theory confirmed that the 9/11 widows are enjoying their celebrity a bit too much, but a liberal icon is being taken down in the process. What do you want to bet there was no pre-nup? Paging Paul McCartney.
- Joan Rivers is starting a talk show with herself and a roundtable of gay men. Possible names for the show: Nip/Tuck Does Fire Island, Wills & Graceless, The B Word, Catwoman and Robins, Transvestites 65,000, Botox and Buttocks.
The Ice Flow
When I watch the elderly denying their mortality, I really wonder if the Eskimos didn’t have the right idea with tossing their infirmed relatives onto an ice flow going out to sea. The World War II Generation, although serious believers of God, seem to be tremendously afraid of death and are holding on with both hands. I hope when my time comes I embrace the “I had a good run” school of thought. I have told my sisters feel free to slip the cyanide into my margarita when I start whining.
My friend Debbie told me her grandmother saw lace curtains floating by the day before she died. I hope before I see the lace curtains I am not afraid to go. Who wants to live forever? When your body wears out, to be able to remember the fun you had and then leave seems comforting to me. I read that Raymond Burr who played Perry Mason had a big party under a tent the week before he died and he said good-bye to everyone. My friend Donna’s grandma left money in her will for the group to go out and celebrate after she was gone. They got so trashed they were late to the wake! Let’s remember grandma with a cosmopolitan.
Top Ten Ways To Go Out With Glee
1. A heart attack while in the saddle with George Clooney (talk about seeing lace curtains)
2. After consuming the entire chocolate bar at the Meridian Hotel and going into a diabetic coma.
3. Getting hit in the head by a foul ball hit by Hideki Matsui the porn king after drinking 12 beers at a Red Sox – Yankees game.
4. After your twelfth plastic surgery and you finally look like Halle Berry
5. You pull an aneurysm on the flight coming home from your “Young Men of Asia” tour
6. After a romantic dinner at the Jules Verne restaurant at the Eiffel Tower the elevator crashes
7. After a tryst with your hot waiter Raul, you get tossed over the side of the cruise ship like Leo Klinghoffer
8. After Prince Andrew says, “I love you, let’s get married, no pre-nup”, you get whacked in the face with a polo ball.
9. After swimming with dolphins in Australia, you get hit by a boat driven by a drunken Mel Gibson (your relatives can collect)
10. You get mad cow disease after your dinner date at the Ruth – Chris Steak House with Antonio Banderas
Top Ten Things I Said at the “Days of our Lives” Benefit
- These two behind us look like they could double up and also go to the Star Trek convention
- Austin’s so gorgeous it’s like looking at the total eclipse of the sun: I need one of those paper shields with a hole poked in it
- Okay, if this babe knows Jack went on the show in 1987 she needs to get another hobby
- Bonnie looks kind of chunky on the show and she could fit into my pocket in real life
- Quick! Jack’s going into the men’s room! Let’s follow him!
- Jack just hugged that woman with the walker. Remember: we are packing our walkers next time.
- If I get a terminal illness, will the Make A Wish Foundation get me a night with Austin, or does that only work with kids?
- They punch you out in the supermarket if you have more than 10 items and you’re in that line. What will they do to you if you cut Austin’s line?
- Mary to Austin, “Dude, you’re such a goofball in real life. Why won’t they let you do something humorous on the show?” Austin, “Well, that’s not the character.” Me, “Just improvise!” (I’ll read he got kicked off the show when he tries.)
- Mary to Bonnie, “You have great teeth!.” Bonnie, “I have a great dentist!” (She’s got $25K worth of teeth, I’m telling you).
Reasons Why Bush Has Done Nothing About New Orleans
- Cheney didn’t tell him to
- He was reading those 60 books
- He figured “Brownie” was doing a heck of a job
- Thought Tony Blair had it covered
- They have no phones he can bug
- New Orleans is a chocolate city and he is on a diet
- Too busy trying to find Darfur on the map
- His mother told him all those people were happy being moved somewhere else
- Louisiana is a blue state
- Too busy wondering why Pluto is no longer a planet
Reasons CBS Had to Make Katie Couric Look Thinner
- Paris Hilton couldn’t pronounce “nuclear”
- Jenny Craig is a sponsor of the show
- Viewers will only accept fat weather people
- They needed “thin” to go with the “rich”
- She can no longer take her liquid Slim Fast on planes
Acupuncture, Part Two
I walked into “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” for my second acupuncture appointment, and the acupuncturist was eating a blueberry muffin! I said, “Where’s the tofu?” He now has street cred if he actually occasionally eats junk food.
He actually referred to himself as “a super crunchy uber liberal” which means he actually has a sense of humor. Today he said my right side is very tense and that usually means I have issues with my father and gaining his acceptance. Knowing my mother is always an issue, I said, “No, trust me, it is always the left side.” And he set a couple up who are very successful together, and he wanted my specs for the man of my dreams, and my comment was, “Are you running a wellness match.com?” I’d be frightened by who I could meet from the acupuncturist’s office. My energy is still zero, but at least I smell like a York Peppermint Patty.
John Travolta is gay and was caught in a lip lock with a man in front of his private plane? I knew he was too good a dancer to be straight.
Ten Things I Hope Happen on Katie Couric’s First Newscast
- Bob Schieffer Chains Himself to A Chair and Refuses to Leave
- A Man Runs in and Asks “What’s the Frequency Kenneth”
- Katie Says, “And Now the Weather With Al Roker”
- They Re-Run the Footage of Her Colonoscopy
- She Interviews a Stuffed Fidel Castro
- She Says, “Thank You for Coming on the Show, President Tush”.
- She Says She Loves Candy So She’s Going to New Orleans Because She Heard It Is a Chocolate City
- Katie Refers to Hezbollah As Hell-za-poppin
- She Doesn’t Show Up Because She’s Too Busy Watching the Crocodile Hunter Marathon on Animal Planet
- She Orders the Cameraman with the Katie-cam to Film Her Only from the Knees Down
Ruminations at the Roo Bar
Before closing down Maizytown for the season, I met the gals at the Roo Bar, Falmouth’s new swank hangout. Apparently we missed Matthew McConaghey who had been in there the week before. He falls under the category “Too buff”. I would have been more excited had they said Kevin James was in there. I enjoy man boobs myself.
I discovered something new. If I won the lottery, I would spend my life drunk on expensive booze, and then say, “My Name is Mary C” at the upscale AA meetings. We enjoyed three expensive martinis, and some pink hummus we are still not sure about. Was it beet hummus? Cotton candy hummus? Pepto Bismol hummus? Let’s have another martini and discuss it some more.
I drank so much I managed to sleep through the opening act, Kathy Griffin. This should be my new strategy. Two martinis: stay awake through opening act. Three martinis: fall asleep during opening act, but wake up for headlines. Four martinis: go to local emergency room for alcohol poisoning.
Kathy Griffin and I share a passion: a hatred of Ryan Seacrest. How can some geek who has no talent but he can grip a microphone be making millions of dollars per year? At least Regin Philbin has a sense of humor and a wardrobe.
Other talentless individuals:
Ed McMahon: the original suck-up. We’ve only heard him laughing, not speaking.
Jessica Simpson: makes the original Daisy Duke look like Dame Judi Dench.
Paris Hilton: Ameritrash who only dates Eurotrash and then films their encounters.
K-Fed: he managed to marry one of the world’s most famous women wearing a trucker hat. Paging John Kerry.
Katie Couric: reminds me of every cheerleader I hated in high school. A shiv with a smile.
