Reasons I Am Not Quite a Buddhist

1. The rage this year is the "get in touch with your inner bitch" calendar. I said to my co-worker, "I could have written this. I need my inner bitch to go back where she came from."

2. I still give you the finger as you are talking to me on the phone.

3. I may be helping you, but it's just because I need your phone number for when I need a ride back from rehab!

4. The Dalai Lama's favorite word does not begin with an f

5. When I get a bizarre Christmas gift, I'm not thinking it's the thought that counts. I'm thinking, "I only watch the Iron Chef. I do not use his appliances."

6. If knew how to reproduce a good quality Coach bag, I'd have all sort of illegal aliens working out of my house (si senor)

7. My personality profile is Saddam Hussein without the genocide

8. A frozen margarita and a hot tub = Good Times at Ridgemont High (just add George Clooney and call me a coronary)