Oscar Thoughts

Golden Globe Thoughts

Was it me, or did everyone look like they just ran into Walmart for an outfit on the way to the show? Very few highlights, and a lot of lowlights. Perfect for yours truly. Thank God I have today off so I can blog away.

I believe Jennifer Garner was wearing my home ec project from high school. All she needed was the disco ball and the fog machine to make it complete



The only saving grace: the adulterers. Apparently bad karma hasn't hit them yet because they look awesome. Just keep producing children and sell them on e-bay for charity.



Bought this at Bed, Bath & Beyond. Yet I would still kill to look like this. And she's 40! How do say built like a brick shthouse in Spanish?


Sienna Miller: can joust while saving Camelot and milk a cow at the same time.

Meryl Streep: Unfortunately "The Devil Wears Prada" a distant memory. Had an extension put into Keira Knightley's "Pride and Prejudice" dress.

Beyonce: If they revive "Dance Fever", she is ready




Edie Falco: looks like she's trying to hide a hernia. The hair is every girl in my seventh grade class.

Helen Mirren: the rule is no cleavage if you are called "Grandma", but she can violate it. The "Prime Suspect" must be a built-in underwire.

Eva Longoria: one of the few reasons I didn't have to cover my eyes



Cameron Diaz: absolutely worst dressed, with plenty of competition. Wearing the "Project Runway" coffee filter project. (credit to Pat). Justin Timberlake is saying, "Whoo, dodged that bullet!"

Drew Barrymore: E.T. phone home! Gorgeous!

Julie Louis Dreyfus: condiment for a Fenway Frank



Tina Fey: without the cleavage, would be singing "Climb Every Mountain" at the abbey



The Japanese star of "Babel": a fembot from Austin Powers (thanks Pat). Can dust your table as she walks by. Understands e=mc 2, but has no fashion sense





Cate Blanchett: ran into a lawn mower on her way to the show.

Vanessa Williams: explosion at the Salvation Army. It's freaking L.A. and you need a fur?
Hair by Toni Home Perm.






Hugh Grant: use some Vitalis. Alec Baldwin: use less Vitalis. If you had to pick, would you go with the chiapet or the gladiator?

Reasons I Am Not Quite a Buddhist

1. The rage this year is the "get in touch with your inner bitch" calendar. I said to my co-worker, "I could have written this. I need my inner bitch to go back where she came from."

2. I still give you the finger as you are talking to me on the phone.

3. I may be helping you, but it's just because I need your phone number for when I need a ride back from rehab!

4. The Dalai Lama's favorite word does not begin with an f

5. When I get a bizarre Christmas gift, I'm not thinking it's the thought that counts. I'm thinking, "I only watch the Iron Chef. I do not use his appliances."

6. If knew how to reproduce a good quality Coach bag, I'd have all sort of illegal aliens working out of my house (si senor)

7. My personality profile is Saddam Hussein without the genocide

8. A frozen margarita and a hot tub = Good Times at Ridgemont High (just add George Clooney and call me a coronary)

I Am Starting to Exhibit Buddhist Behavior

1. I actually gave back the $50 gift certificate my friend gave me for catsitting (she has a high def t.v. and a full liquor cabinet - I need to insure future catsittings - not exactly a Mother Theresa reason)

2. I actually considered it a win-win when the drunk who hit me Christmas Eve didn't do a good enough job to have the air bag go off (I would have shown up Christmas Day looking like Kim Cattrall on the chemical peel episode of "Sx & City)

3. I actually went to church Christmas Eve and enjoyed it even if we had to be out in the parking lot tailgating with the other late church goers (I suggested to the priest they get a jumbotron for the parking lot next year, perhaps a hibachi with grilled turkey)

4. Instead of arguing with the Debbie Downers on Xmas (my mother and the Unabomber, my brother) I cleaned up the dishes and booked it out of there to a more festive gathering of people who didn't have a "this is my worst Christmas ever" competition going on

5. I went for the Van Gogh chocolate vodka for my friend Bob even if it was $25 (for anyone else, it would have been the no name moonshine)

6. I gave my boss a Christmas gift, even if I just stapled it in the grocery bag and wrote "Merry Christmas" on it with a sharpie (Rome was not built in a day)

7. I am actually starting to like Celine Dion

8. I actually gave an employee my real address (the paranoia must be passing)

Reasons to Love China

1. You combine going to the bathroom with doing deep knee bends
2. Bush is thinking about using the torture of climbing the Great Wall in 100 degree heat on Al Qaeda
3. You get a lovely facial every morning as you boil the water you are going to drink
4. The bellhop who supposedly speaks English doesn't know "taxi" or "airport"
5. Any country that plays "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" in July can't be all bad
6. I lost weight because their brownies tasted like astroturf
7. They still line up at Chairman Mao's tomb even though he made all the college professors shuck rice for two years
8. Getting a legitimate foot massage from a young Asian man is actually legal
9. I actually understand the appeal of Charmin toilet paper now
10. Hey, if Yanni and Linda Evans ate at the Duck King, it can't be all bad

Emmy Thoughts

Emmy Thoughts

1. Apparently most of the women at the awards heard about the woman in Israel whose implants saved her from a bullet. I thought I was dining at Hooters. The star of the night was the double sided tape.

2. Kate Jackson apparently went to Kenny Rogers’s plastic surgeon. They can both cry out of their forehead now.

3. The over 40 women stole the show. Helen Mirren, Heather Locklear and Jean Smart looked fantastic.

4. Simon Cowell looked like he went to Supercuts and asked for the soccer team hazing haircut. And he really need a huge gold “S” on a chain to go with the open shirt.

5. The “I just got off a motorcycle” hair was back. Felicity Huffman asked her limo driver to stop off at Walgreen’s for a scrunchie.

6. Why is the gorgeous Evangeline Lilly from “Lost” dating the hobbit?

7. Sandra Oh must be dating P. Diddy and he lent her all his bling. The guy behind her must have been the Brinks guard. And her dress looked like a get well bouquet.

8. Jennifer Love Hewitt must be replacing Debbie Reynolds in Branson, Missouri. Sofia Loren will be borrowing that dress for her roast.

9. Did Jeremy Piven just ride in from a polo match with Prince Charles? Did he get the ascot at a consignment shop?

10. It’s nice to see women packing some extra pounds. The scrawny look is even out for Calista Flockhart. Mariska Hargitay, Debra Messing, and Megan Mullaly are size 8’s now. The horror!

Top Ten Paula Abdul Excuses for Acting Drunk at the Emmys

1. Practicing if she ever gets offered the role of Judy Garland

2. Had an Ambien blackout

3. Simon Cowell slipped her a mickey

4. Those red pills and blue pills all look the same

5. She’s still devastated over Constantine being voted off

6. If they are going to continue to make fun of my fashion sense, at least I want to be loaded and not realize it

7. Her hair dresser used too much hairspray and she sniffed it

8. It’s no fun leaving obscene voice mails for Idol contestants when straight

9. When I’m loaded Ryan Seacrest looks like George Clooney

10. Dolce & Gabbana wanted to make sure their gown got noticed

Japanese Women Looking for Korean Men

My favorite article this weekend was the story about how the Japanese women are paying thousands to go to Korea and date Korean men because they think “Winter Sonata” is for real. They seriously think the Korean men are all buff and romantic and hold the torch for you for years. Are these the same men who throw chairs at each other in the Korean parliament? Would Kim Jong-Il be considered a “Seoul-mate”? I have cried less my entire life than the lead actor in “Stairway to Heaven”. The only American man who would be caught dead wearing a fur coat like the actor in “Memories of Bali” is Grizzly Adams, and that was because he skinned it himself. I haven’t seen as much pastel color in clothing since Barry Manilow was in his “Copacabana” phase.

So here would be my top ten American male fantasies, based on the movies they were in:

1. Tom Hanks in “Sleepless in Seattle”: yup, he grieves over his wife for years and the only way he will date again is if his cyber-date leaves her boyfriend at the hotel and shows up at the top of the Empire State Building, holding a teddy bear.

2. David Duchovny in “Return to Me”: only asks women if they’d like to go out when they are wearing a shower cap. And then only if they have his dead wife’s heart to boot.

3. Tom Cruise in “Jerry Maguire”: you complete me? What are you, a 5,000 piece puzzle? I liked you better when you were a work in progress.

4. Tom Hanks in “You’ve Got Mail”: puts you out of business then he steals your heart. Must work at Walmart.

5. Brad Pitt in “Thelma and Louise”: make sure you hit the ATM before he stays over so he has plenty to steal.

6. The Beast in “Beauty and the Beast”: nothing turns me on like access to a library.

The Two Ice Cream Guy

The Two Ice Cream Guy

Since ice cream season is now officially over, I need to remember my friend Jeff, who unfortunately chose to leave us in January 2005. I’ll never understand how a man who enjoyed living so much could go from joy to deciding he did not want to live in such a short time. But he made my birthday in May of 2004 when he bought me an ice cream and said, “Hey, that was good. I’m having another one. Want one?” I didn’t want to announce to Connecticut, “Yes, I’ll have another so soon I’ll have to buy an extra seat on the airplane”. But I thought, “Hey, it is my birthday and it is soft serve”, so I had the second ice cream. And so here’s to the two ice cream guy, who when he enjoys something, makes sure he loves it double, not knowing what will happen tomorrow. We had the second ice cream, and more time together, before one of us was no longer here. Hopefully he’s in a better place with a second scoop.

Random Thoughts

1. Will Haley Joel Osment’s AA sponsor be Mel Gibson?

2. Elisabeth Hasselbeck of “The View” – she went to Boston College? I don’t suppose she got the memo you are supposed to have a few drinks while you are there. Nazis have less extreme viewpoints. My mother will announce her engagement to John Kerry before Hasselbeck’s contract gets renewed. They will replace her with that liberal, Pat Buchanan.

3. Missing: my brother and Suri Cruise. Do you think they are together in a cabin somewhere?

4. Weekend debaucle: Sox lose to Yankees five games to zip. Perhaps Luis Tiant is still available to pitch.

5. Dick Cheney thinks anyone who voted for Ned Lamont in Connecticut was voting for Al Qaeda. Dick, you’re talking about Connecticut. If a terrorist blew up Foxwoods and Mohegan Sun, there’d be a lot of openings in Assisted Living, that’s it. If we can’t shop at the Old Navy Outlet, the terrorists win. Hartford already looks like the terrorists got to it.

6. Kate Hudson left Chris Robinson for Owen Wilson? That’s like saying a woman would leave Keith Richards for Jim Nabors. Let’s trade in Grungy for Goober.

7. Tom Brady might have used steroids? What’s next – Mother Theresa did time? Are there no more role models?

8. Tom Cruise finally gets the boot from Paramount. All the pharmaceutical giants are celebrating. Get back on the meds, everyone!

9. Mark David Karr doesn’t like the orange jumpsuit. Since he wanted a sex change, if we made it an orange jacket and skirt, would he feel better? It would be right out of the Issac Misrahi for Target fall collection.

10. “Survivor” announced the next show will be raced-based. Imagine a team of Alan Iverson, Al Sharpton and Spike Lee vs. William Hung, Connie Chung and Jet Li, vs. Manny Ramirez, Charo and Fidel Castro, vs. Britney Spears and Kevin Federline and Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson. I’m going with the Asians. They’re good at them darn puzzles. Plus they make a fabulous knock-off handbag.

Oh No, Not the Boss

1. The Boss is cheating on Patti Scialfa? Who else is breaking up – Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward? And he is cheating with a 9/11 Widow? Anne Coulter must be dancing a jig. Not only is her theory confirmed that the 9/11 widows are enjoying their celebrity a bit too much, but a liberal icon is being taken down in the process. What do you want to bet there was no pre-nup? Paging Paul McCartney.

2. Joan Rivers is starting a talk show with herself and a roundtable of gay men. Possible names for the show: Nip/Tuck Does Fire Island, Wills & Graceless, The B Word, Catwoman and Robins, Transvestites 65,000, Botox and Buttocks.

The Ice Flow

When I watch the elderly denying their mortality, I really wonder if the Eskimos didn’t have the right idea with tossing their infirmed relatives onto an ice flow going out to sea. The World War II Generation, although serious believers of God, seem to be tremendously afraid of death and are holding on with both hands. I hope when my time comes I embrace the “I had a good run” school of thought. I have told my sisters feel free to slip the cyanide into my margarita when I start whining.

My friend Debbie told me her grandmother saw lace curtains floating by the day before she died. I hope before I see the lace curtains I am not afraid to go. Who wants to live forever? When your body wears out, to be able to remember the fun you had and then leave seems comforting to me. I read that Raymond Burr who played Perry Mason had a big party under a tent the week before he died and he said good-bye to everyone. My friend Donna’s grandma left money in her will for the group to go out and celebrate after she was gone. They got so trashed they were late to the wake! Let’s remember grandma with a cosmopolitan.

Top Ten Ways To Go Out With Glee

1. A heart attack while in the saddle with George Clooney (talk about seeing lace curtains)

2. After consuming the entire chocolate bar at the Meridian Hotel and going into a diabetic coma.

3. Getting hit in the head by a foul ball hit by Hideki Matsui the porn king after drinking 12 beers at a Red Sox – Yankees game.

4. After your twelfth plastic surgery and you finally look like Halle Berry

5. You pull an aneurysm on the flight coming home from your “Young Men of Asia” tour

6. After a romantic dinner at the Jules Verne restaurant at the Eiffel Tower the elevator crashes

7. After a tryst with your hot waiter Raul, you get tossed over the side of the cruise ship like Leo Klinghoffer

8. After Prince Andrew says, “I love you, let’s get married, no pre-nup”, you get whacked in the face with a polo ball.

9. After swimming with dolphins in Australia, you get hit by a boat driven by a drunken Mel Gibson (your relatives can collect)

10. You get mad cow disease after your dinner date at the Ruth – Chris Steak House with Antonio Banderas

Top Ten Things I Said at the “Days of our Lives” Benefit

1. These two behind us look like they could double up and also go to the Star Trek convention

2. Austin’s so gorgeous it’s like looking at the total eclipse of the sun: I need one of those paper shields with a hole poked in it

3. Okay, if this babe knows Jack went on the show in 1987 she needs to get another hobby

4. Bonnie looks kind of chunky on the show and she could fit into my pocket in real life

5. Quick! Jack’s going into the men’s room! Let’s follow him!

6. Jack just hugged that woman with the walker. Remember: we are packing our walkers next time.

7. If I get a terminal illness, will the Make A Wish Foundation get me a night with Austin, or does that only work with kids?

8. They punch you out in the supermarket if you have more than 10 items and you’re in that line. What will they do to you if you cut Austin’s line?

9. Mary to Austin, “Dude, you’re such a goofball in real life. Why won’t they let you do something humorous on the show?” Austin, “Well, that’s not the character.” Me, “Just improvise!” (I’ll read he got kicked off the show when he tries.)

10. Mary to Bonnie, “You have great teeth!.” Bonnie, “I have a great dentist!” (She’s got $25K worth of teeth, I’m telling you).

Reasons Why Bush Has Done Nothing About New Orleans

1. Cheney didn’t tell him to

2. He was reading those 60 books

3. He figured “Brownie” was doing a heck of a job

4. Thought Tony Blair had it covered

5. They have no phones he can bug

6. New Orleans is a chocolate city and he is on a diet

7. Too busy trying to find Darfur on the map

8. His mother told him all those people were happy being moved somewhere else

9. Louisiana is a blue state

10. Too busy wondering why Pluto is no longer a planet

Reasons CBS Had to Make Katie Couric Look Thinner

1. Paris Hilton couldn’t pronounce “nuclear”

2. Jenny Craig is a sponsor of the show

3. Viewers will only accept fat weather people

4. They needed “thin” to go with the “rich”

5. She can no longer take her liquid Slim Fast on planes

Acupuncture, Part Two

I walked into “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” for my second acupuncture appointment, and the acupuncturist was eating a blueberry muffin! I said, “Where’s the tofu?” He now has street cred if he actually occasionally eats junk food.

He actually referred to himself as “a super crunchy uber liberal” which means he actually has a sense of humor. Today he said my right side is very tense and that usually means I have issues with my father and gaining his acceptance. Knowing my mother is always an issue, I said, “No, trust me, it is always the left side.” And he set a couple up who are very successful together, and he wanted my specs for the man of my dreams, and my comment was, “Are you running a wellness match.com?” I’d be frightened by who I could meet from the acupuncturist’s office. My energy is still zero, but at least I smell like a York Peppermint Patty.

John Travolta is gay and was caught in a lip lock with a man in front of his private plane? I knew he was too good a dancer to be straight.

Ten Things I Hope Happen on Katie Couric’s First Newscast

1. Bob Schieffer Chains Himself to A Chair and Refuses to Leave

2. A Man Runs in and Asks “What’s the Frequency Kenneth”

3. Katie Says, “And Now the Weather With Al Roker”

4. They Re-Run the Footage of Her Colonoscopy

5. She Interviews a Stuffed Fidel Castro

6. She Says, “Thank You for Coming on the Show, President Tush”.

7. She Says She Loves Candy So She’s Going to New Orleans Because She Heard It Is a Chocolate City

8. Katie Refers to Hezbollah As Hell-za-poppin

9. She Doesn’t Show Up Because She’s Too Busy Watching the Crocodile Hunter Marathon on Animal Planet

10. She Orders the Cameraman with the Katie-cam to Film Her Only from the Knees Down

Ruminations at the Roo Bar

Before closing down Maizytown for the season, I met the gals at the Roo Bar, Falmouth’s new swank hangout. Apparently we missed Matthew McConaghey who had been in there the week before. He falls under the category “Too buff”. I would have been more excited had they said Kevin James was in there. I enjoy man boobs myself.

I discovered something new. If I won the lottery, I would spend my life drunk on expensive booze, and then say, “My Name is Mary C” at the upscale AA meetings. We enjoyed three expensive martinis, and some pink hummus we are still not sure about. Was it beet hummus? Cotton candy hummus? Pepto Bismol hummus? Let’s have another martini and discuss it some more.

I drank so much I managed to sleep through the opening act, Kathy Griffin. This should be my new strategy. Two martinis: stay awake through opening act. Three martinis: fall asleep during opening act, but wake up for headlines. Four martinis: go to local emergency room for alcohol poisoning.

Kathy Griffin and I share a passion: a hatred of Ryan Seacrest. How can some geek who has no talent but he can grip a microphone be making millions of dollars per year? At least Regin Philbin has a sense of humor and a wardrobe.

Other talentless individuals:

Ed McMahon: the original suck-up. We’ve only heard him laughing, not speaking.

Jessica Simpson: makes the original Daisy Duke look like Dame Judi Dench.

Paris Hilton: Ameritrash who only dates Eurotrash and then films their encounters.

K-Fed: he managed to marry one of the world’s most famous women wearing a trucker hat. Paging John Kerry.

Katie Couric: reminds me of every cheerleader I hated in high school. A shiv with a smile.

Saturday at the Andover Library

I don't know if I can create with all these SUV driving high achievers around me. At least in Lowell they are surfing porn at the library.

Okay, I'm done with the global warming. For the last month it's been like the great American freeze out, so I pulled out all the long sleeve shirts and sweatshirts. Today I look like I was taking my sled dogs through the Yukon, and I walk outside and everyone is wearing shorts and crocs again. If I already don't have night sweats, now I am having day sweats. The only good thing to think about at Linus's soccer game was I am so covered up I don't need to wear sunblock. The only person sweating like I was was Linus when he came off the field. #7 on the other team is a future "Great Santini" - he is going to be shot by his own teammates. He is probably 6 years old, and already he is wound a little too tight. I will keep an eye on him for the rest of the season. Sad part is, he is probably on the fast track to Harvard.

Paris Hilton got arrested for D.U.I. because she hadn't eaten all day and then had a margarita? Here's an idea - have a sandwich and don't drink. Or hire a driver. Or catch a cab. Keep off of the crosswalk on Rodeo Drive, because some drunken celebrity will take you out.

Tomorrow is the first day of football season. As usual, in the football pool I chose teams based on which city has the better art museum, not whether or not their team is any good. Philly, Cincinnati, New York, San Francisco, always pick them. Jacksonville I'm sure doesn't have a Chili's, never mind an art museum, so they are out. Don't scoff, because last year with my very unscientific method I chose Pittsburgh and they somehow managed to squeak by.

The Lunch Boys

Apparently I went on a rant at lunch, being Debbie Downer. At the end of lunch, Bob stated, "Perhaps I can drop a book by your desk this afternoon. It's called "The Power of Positive Thinking". What, who says I'm negative? I acknowledge that I love drama and hate perfection. I need something to complain about or I'm not living. Why is that considered negative? Here's what I'll say from now on:

1. What a beautiful day to be alive! Life is so much better when you are out of rehab!
2. Look at the beautiful sun! So what that Pluto's been downgraded and it's no longer a planet? Who cares?
3. Those flowers are stunning! Ignore that they are full of mosquitoes who can give you diseases! The helicopters full of DDT are spraying now.
4. It's no problem that a big scary truck just spilled sewage all over Route 28. I have no where to go! Sitting in traffic for 3 hours smelling fumes is nothing compared to being awoken by "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" at 5:30 a.m. in July in China. It's all good!
5. If I get chosen for "Survivor", at least I know I am on the white team!

My Chi is Elusive

I went to acupuncture for the first time tonight to deal with my perimenopausal issues.

Top Ten Things My Acupunturist Said:

1. (Looking at my tongue): How interesting! (I just had a cough drop. That explains the unusual color. I am not a kimono dragon.)
1. Your chi is elusive. (I've often been told this).
2. Would you say when you get emotional you cry a lot or get angry? (What the hell do you think, hippie-man?)
3. After you left your home town, what was the trajectory of your life? (I hope up!)
4. You have the skin and feet of an artist (Picasso had my feet? Yuck)
5. When I go to lunch, people often comment that I smell like pot, but it's actually the herb I light on fire on your back ("I thought the waiting room smelled like "Fast Times at Ridgemont High")
6. I think your brain is going all the time and can't shut off (I'm aware I have ADD, Dr. Freud)
7. So if there's a lot of men where you work, you must be doing a lot of dating (Mother Theresa got more action)
8. Were you planning on doing any drinking tonight? (It's Friday - is Nathan Lane gay?)
9. Women are actually quite lucky because menstruation gets rid of all their bad blood (I feel the ecstasy once a month)
10. Anxiety is probably your biggest problem (what gave it away? the twitching eyeball?)

Saturday Thoughts at the Museum

1. "Snakes on a Plane" is killing at the box office. I need to start working on my script: "Raccoons in the Bathroom". Holding a shovel up to cover the hole in the ceiling so the raccoon would not jump on my head was scarier than anything I could see in that movie.

2. Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson broke-up: shocker! Why don't these women realize that if your husband is a rock star and goes on the road, they are going to try to reproduce faster than the smallpox virus?

3. I'm at the info desk at the Museum, and a woman just asked me for a restaurant recommendation on Newbury Street. Davio's would implode if I walked in there with fake accessories head to toe. I can only afford a small cone at J.P. Licks.

4. Note to self: if they make you pack your meds in your suitcase, do not get on the plane. I could so be that woman who was tied up by the other passengers. I won't even ask for a second Diet Coke next time I fly.

5. As a fat woman myself, who do we feel the need to expose our guts? I like to wear more fabric than Mrs. Roper. I only wear a belt if I have to hide money from muggers.

6. Three guys are standing in front of my desk saying, "Let's cable this". This can't be good.

7. A guy dressed like Truman Capote who screamed "Eurotrash" asked me who he could speak to to get into the Museum Administrators party tonight. And I'm eating foie gras at the front desk. I am a freaking volunteer and I'm lucky if the security guards talk to me. I might be able to hand out "Hello my name is" badges and that's about it.