Reasons I Am Not Quite a Buddhist

1. The rage this year is the "get in touch with your inner bitch" calendar. I said to my co-worker, "I could have written this. I need my inner bitch to go back where she came from."

2. I still give you the finger as you are talking to me on the phone.

3. I may be helping you, but it's just because I need your phone number for when I need a ride back from rehab!

4. The Dalai Lama's favorite word does not begin with an f

5. When I get a bizarre Christmas gift, I'm not thinking it's the thought that counts. I'm thinking, "I only watch the Iron Chef. I do not use his appliances."

6. If knew how to reproduce a good quality Coach bag, I'd have all sort of illegal aliens working out of my house (si senor)

7. My personality profile is Saddam Hussein without the genocide

8. A frozen margarita and a hot tub = Good Times at Ridgemont High (just add George Clooney and call me a coronary)

I Am Starting to Exhibit Buddhist Behavior

1. I actually gave back the $50 gift certificate my friend gave me for catsitting (she has a high def t.v. and a full liquor cabinet - I need to insure future catsittings - not exactly a Mother Theresa reason)

2. I actually considered it a win-win when the drunk who hit me Christmas Eve didn't do a good enough job to have the air bag go off (I would have shown up Christmas Day looking like Kim Cattrall on the chemical peel episode of "Sx & City)

3. I actually went to church Christmas Eve and enjoyed it even if we had to be out in the parking lot tailgating with the other late church goers (I suggested to the priest they get a jumbotron for the parking lot next year, perhaps a hibachi with grilled turkey)

4. Instead of arguing with the Debbie Downers on Xmas (my mother and the Unabomber, my brother) I cleaned up the dishes and booked it out of there to a more festive gathering of people who didn't have a "this is my worst Christmas ever" competition going on

5. I went for the Van Gogh chocolate vodka for my friend Bob even if it was $25 (for anyone else, it would have been the no name moonshine)

6. I gave my boss a Christmas gift, even if I just stapled it in the grocery bag and wrote "Merry Christmas" on it with a sharpie (Rome was not built in a day)

7. I am actually starting to like Celine Dion

8. I actually gave an employee my real address (the paranoia must be passing)